Write to the Espada
by Kuroharu
Summary: You write, they reply. Got the idea from an FMA fanfic I read once.
1. A message from the Espada

Ah okay… I got this idea while reading an FMA fanfic and thought it'd be interesting to do. If anyone else is interested that is.

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach or any of the characters… though I'd love to get my hands on a few…

Anyway, here goes.

* * *

_**Write to the Espada**_

By orders of the great(ly retarded) Aizen. _Ouch, ouch… okay… _By orders of Aizen-sama, _and the green eyed emo punk standing behind me_, this announcement goes to everyone out there.

The espada are now accepting letters, to which we will write with due accordance, if we find the time to.

So anyone who has anything to tell us, anything to ask, or just anything to say, you can send us your letters, and we'll reply.

Simple; even Yami understood it…

So get started on writing, we're looking forward to hordes of mail to answer. _Oh freaking joy…_

_Yo, clownface, who's idea was this again?_

_Gin? Should've guessed…_

_What do you mean I'm being extra snappy today?_

_And no I am not out of catnip yet!_

* * *

Ah okay… that was from Grimmjow's perspective if you didn't guess it.

The espada are waiting for your letters.

Put them in the chapter review or PM them. Use whatever name you want to. Etc.

Have your favorite espada reply to you.

So get started.


	2. The first batch

Ah okay… cool… six letters…

So without further ado, here are your replies.

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach or any of these characters… I don't even own a pulshie…

* * *

_**The first batch of letters**_

_-_

_Please don't judge me by the many-times-used-before-name but it's just so true...  
Anyway... I wanted to ask...HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE ABS!?!?!?!_

Thank You So Much...keep hating the world...

bye

_GrimmjowJunkie_

-

How should I do this?

Dear umm… Me-junkie,

Hello?

_Damn it Ulquiorra I do not lack social skills so can it and stop staring at me as I type!_

_Stupid clown…_ Ah where was I… Dear me-junkie,

I did not get those abs from anywhere, [if you're implying I stole them from somewhere, you better hope I never find you]. I was just born this drop dead gorgeous, though a bit of exercise like taking on a few shinigami never hurt… Well, never hurt me anyway…

Eh, thank me?

You're welcome or whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and beat down a certain orange haired shinigami. And if you won't excuse me, like hell I give a damn… Later, if you live that long…

Grimmjow out…

* * *

_-_

_Dear Szayel I'm trying to get into an art school. I know you're a scientist but to me science is an art as well. Do you have any advice on how to become a better artist? Also, Lumina and Verona are adorable. _

_Sakura Otome_

-

Dear Sakura,

An arts school? Oh that's wonderful; I went to an arts school before I became a scientist. I learned a lot of decorating tips from there and they were just fa-bu-lous…

And finally someone who recognizes that science is also an art. Oh, I'm so overjoyed.

Oh I'm sorry I'm seem to be raving on and on, but you're okay with that, right?

After all, who wouldn't want to hear me rave?

I'd love to tell you how to be a better artist, in fact I have the potion right here on my desk. Unfortunately it's untested, and may have the slightly problematic side-effect of growing an extra appendage or two…

Other than that, I guess I could tell you to always keep practicing, and use everyone and anyone to further your research. Remember, no morals just mean less stuff slowing you down…

Oh and I'm sure Lumina and Verona would love to know that. Unfortunately I got a bit hungry and ate them yesterday, so I'll tell them that as soon as I remake them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go dissect a shinigami. But you're welcome to contact me if you want to try that potion… just don't blame me for whatever happens later, okay?

Love,

Szayel Aporro Granz.

* * *

_-_

_Dear Stark when are you going to shave you goatee?_

_VLS_

-

Dear VLS,

This is Lilinette, Stark is asleep right now.

We were trying to wake him up for the past hour, but it isn't working.

As for when HE'S going to shave his goatee, he's probably too lazy to. Though thanks for the suggestion, I wonder how he'd feel when he wakes up goatee-less tomorrow…

Now where do we keep the shavers in here… *Evil smirk*

Thanks for your advice,

Lilinette.

* * *

_-_

_Ulquiorra, how is it that you can be so damn sexy? I just want to know._

_Thecolorsilver_

_-_

Fangirls… *Sighs*…

_I wonder why Aizen-sama made me do such a mundane task, plus that brute Grimmjow won't stop laughing ever since he glanced at the screen._

Right, so… Why am I so… sexy…

_Grimmjow, would you shut up before I have to get up and shut your mouth for you?_

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe I should ask someone else to answer this?

_Orihime… 'how can I be so damn sexy'?_

Umm... she seems to be turning red, perhaps she has a fever. I should go now. Thank you for writing to us.

* * *

_-_

_Yo! This is for all of you. Does Aizen fill you in on his plans? By the way, I am a big fan of Aizen._

_Facexorxvalue_

-

Aizen-sama only tells his plans to his most faithful espada. This basically means only the old man, Halibel, Ulquiorra, and me. I'm sure he'd be delighted to know he has some fans in the real world, but he's busy in his room right now, and it's too big of a pain to actually go there and tell him. So I'll tell him later.

More importantly, who gave Lilinette the suggestion to shave my goatee?

What? I have to scroll up?

Ah damn that's too much work, I'm just going back to sleep. My goatee will probably be back by the time I wake up anyway…

Do I have to sign off at the end?

Stark

* * *

_-_

_Dear Aizen: You. Suck. I hope you die. Jerk._

_Vixxi_

_-_

I come over to read that letter that Gin said was polite, and I find this…

Well, I guess people will always have different views, and I should respect your freedom of opinion. Nonetheless, hoping that I will die will not kill me. If it did, I'm sure all of soul society would be on its knees praying by now, or maybe that is what they're doing right now. But who cares…

So, Vixi, was it?

I'm sorry… I have a problem remembering insignificant people's names…

Ah yes, Vixxi, keep hoping that I die. I wonder whether your belief in your hopes will last when I've achieved my purpose.

Aizen Sousuke

* * *

Right… I hope everyone liked it. I tried to emulate the characters as well as I could. Tell me how I did.

(Personally I expected letters to Gin or more to Grimmjow or Ulquiorra…)

And if you liked it, the espada are waiting...


	3. The second batch

Hello everyone, that was a lot of mail. The espada are very happy.

Disclaimer: I (still) don't own bleach.

* * *

_**The Second Batch of Letters**_

-

_Dear all, is Yami still alive? If he's dead, good riddance, if he's not, that comment means i'm screwed. Also, Gin if you love Matsumoto why don't you just kidnap her and keep her as ypur pet. Also, I'm a big Aizen fan but only because I am only fans of awesome people, and people who would kill me if I dissed them. You are the latter (last one) of the two.  
Sincerely hoping no one takes offence and kills me,  
Lycan13_

-

Dear Lycan13

Yami is still alive, or so we think. He was being quite an annoyance so Aizen exiled him from Las Noches. So while we have no idea whether he's alive or not, it is more peaceful around here, and the average IQ of Las Noches has doubled since we kicked him out, so no one's complaining.  
Oh and don't worry about Yami, he can't read anyway.  
Kidnap and keep her as a pet?  
Well, I'm not sure she'd like that. She's not the type of woman to forgive you for something like that, though I'm pretty sure I could get away with it if I tried real hard. But, then again, I don't need any chains to keep her for myself… Well, physical chains that is…  
I'm sure Aizen would be delighted to hear that he's got another fan. Either that or he wouldn't care and would just keep sipping his tea. I'm betting he'll do the latter.

Bye-bye  
Ichimaru Gin

* * *

-

_Dear Ulquiorra-sama,  
I FREAKIN' LOVE YOU!! Hehehe I just had to say it!_

Dear Sousuke-san,  
WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE SURE THAT DAMNED... THING DIED!! That thing being Hinamori Momo, she deserves to die so kill her already!

With thanks,  
Kuki.

-

Dear Kuki,

I'm sorry, but I still do not understand the human concept of 'love'. It seems to be such an irrational and pointless emotion. Orihime usually stutters and blushes whenever I ask her to explain it, perhaps you could prove more resourceful?  
As for the matter of the 'thing' you refer to as Hinamori Momo, I'm sure Aizen-sama had his plans concerning her. She does sound, by all regards, like a perfect infiltration, one that even the infiltrator would be unknowing of herself. Nothing is done pointlessly.  
Or perhaps it was pity, killing something worthless and insignificant is meritless…

Ulquiorra Schiffer

* * *

-

_Dear Nnoitora, why are you so mean to Tesla? You remind me of a praying mantis. Oh, have any tips on how to get a girlfriend? _

_Sakura Otome  
_

-

D… D…  
_Do I have to start off with this?!?!  
_D… _Damn it… Do I HAVE TO?!?! I don't care if I'm being polite or not… Fine… don't blame me if I break your jaw over it later, damn blind freak…  
_Dear Sakura,

I am not mean to Tesla. That annoying prick just gets what he deserves. I never even asked him to tag along, yet he still won't go and get lost somewhere. I've gotten used to him by now, though he still hasn't learned to mind his own business.  
I remind you of a praying mantis? Now where have I heard that one before… ah yes, Szayel's joke of calling me a prey-ing mantis… No one laughed at that one…  
How to get a girlfriend?  
How the hell should I know?! Personally I think it's a waste of time.  
Unless of course if the girl is really, awesomely strong… and green haired…

Nnoitora Jiruga

* * *

-

_Dear Gin-sama,  
Just curious how you get your eyes like that, you know, all squinty and fox like, I tried it and it just looked like I was shutting my eyes. Anyway, you're awesome._

Much love,  
Largofan

-

Dear Largofan,

Thank you. Anyway, if you want to get your eyes like mine, you'll need three things:  
1. A really sadistic soul.  
2. Great looks.  
3. Years of practice.  
Keep at it if you like… and remember, always keep smiling.

Ichimaru Gin

* * *

-

_To Grimmjow,  
Grimmy I love you! You're the hottest person I ever had a chance to lay my eyes on... *squeal* Why aren't ya real, damn?! Your released form is so ** hot. M... It makes me all-- *khem, khem*. Whatever. I'd like to ask you a lot of things, but I'll make it quick. Do you like to **? With boys or girls? How big are you? (ah! XD...) Do you prefer girls with big boobs? I'm waiting, so if you come in real world just ** my crazy brains outta my head. Thank you.  
With love  
Rina Yax_

-

_Oh…_

_Ha, my fan-girls are more obsessive than Ulquiorra's… Wait… is that really a good thing?_

Dear Rina Yax,

Umm... I think that was way more than what I needed to know…  
And do I like to **?!  
You're seriously obsessed, aren't you? I'm feeling a bit glad right now that humans can't get into Hueco Mundo…  
_What do you mean I have to answer these questions or else?  
WHAT?!  
__** Aizen!_  
Fine… I like to fight. Period.  
I don't like to fight girls, though I wouldn't care for gender if any of them got in my way.  
And big boobs don't matter, strength does.  
And I am not telling you my size!  
And after this, I'm definitely never going to the real world. Ever.

Stay the hell away from me,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

* * *

-  
_Dear Ulquiorra,  
I would like to ask you a question. How on earth do you manage to keep your face so damn serious all the time? Is it that you really don't have any emotions at all, or do you just hide your true self behind a serious mask? And I mean, a little smile every now and then wouldn't hurt, right?  
I'm just curious...  
And please say hello to Grimmjow for me (I'd ask you to kiss him for me, but I think that'd get me killed).  
Evil giraffe_

-

Dear evil giraffe,

A little smile every now and then? And what, pray tell, would I smile at?  
Espada who seek glory in just fighting? That sole pointless purpose driving them forward? Espada driven enough by their own pride they ignore their flaws and suffer there-in? The pathetic human held captive here by her own self? The insignificant shinigami who drive in to meet their own deaths?  
Everything comes and goes, everything fades, there is no use wasting time over such trivial matters.  
Out of courtesy, I'll pass your sentiments to Grimmjow.  
You were wise enough to know not to ask for that though, so it seems you have at least some intelligence. I'll commend you for that.

Ulquiorra Schiffer

* * *

-

_Hey Szayel, I would just like to know where your rank number is tattooed since it doesn't seem to be on your upper body. Speaking of which, are you anorexic/bulimic you look quite unhealthy not to mention hungry.  
Magic_

-

Dear Magic

My rank number tattoo? Oh that's just my little secret. It's…  
I just told you it was my secret… You expected me to tell you? Sheesh… people…  
I'm not Anorexic or Bulimic, it's just that after long hours in the lab, pouring over research, you tend to stop noticing hunger after a while.  
I won't notice that I'm hungry for days, and then when I do, then I'm hungry enough to eat a horse. And I'm not just saying that, I once actually made a horse-like fraccion when I was hungry.  
This actually reminds me, I haven't eaten in five days. Time to try making a bigger one…

Szayel Apporo Granz

* * *

-

_Dear Aizen: You still suck. I still hope you die. And your plan is going to blow up in your face cause that annoying orange-haired idiot is the star of the show and the star always wins in the end -- which means you lose, which means your plan will FAIL, 'cause you SUCK! Jerk.  
Vixxi_

-

Oh my, back again?  
To be honest, I knew it was too much to expect you to learn your lesson through words only. Poor pathetic fools, most of you have to have the thoughts hammered into you before you understand. But don't worry, I want you to live to see that 'orange-haired idiot' try, and then fail.  
The star of the show wins in the end? That may be so, but on closer observation, I would like to ask if you've ever heard of Death Note?  
So I'll wait until my plan succeeds so that you can finally see how frail your delusions are.

Aizen Sousuke

* * *

-

_Dear Grimmjow: Why do you take orders from that jerk Aizen? He's a loser. He's going fail. It's the order of things. And if you keep following him and his stupid-** plan, you'll wind up dead, sad as it is.  
Kitti_

_Dear Kitti,_

-

Yeah, tell me about it… He's a real dictator too, just take the 'tator' away and add a 'k' at the end…  
But it was either join or fight, and I may be brave but I'm not stupid. Still I'm only here till I get stronger…  
After I become strong enough… Oh crap that clown Ulquiorra's coming over here… I'll have to cut this short.  
You were okay, I guess…

Aizen should drown in his tea,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

* * *

-

_Dear Gin,_

Why did you follow Aizen? I'm curious that's all. I'm no hater.  
-Icetiger13-

-

Dear Icetiger13,

Another 13… are you and Lycan13 related?  
As for why I followed Aizen… I felt like it… It's interesting…  
That's all really…

Say hello to Lycan13 for me,  
Ichimaru Gin

* * *

-

_Dear Stark,  
Are you narcoleptic or just that lazy? No offense I happen to be a chronic procrastinator(lazyass)too.  
krazypuppy8_

-

Dear krazypuppy8,

Narcoleptic?  
I'm feeling too sleepy to google it.  
If that means I have another reason to be sleep more, then yeah…

Going back to sleep,  
Stark

* * *

-

_Dear Grimmjow  
I love your style of fighting! you so kick $$! and I LOVE the jaw, its so cool! *bows to you* CAN YOU PLEASE TEACH ME?! I WOULD BE HONERED TO CALL YOU MY TEACHER! PLEASE?!?! I WILL DO EVERYTHING YOU SAY!  
Hakoro Zemx  
P.S.  
Ulquiorra...*shakes head in disappointment* I have lost all respect towards you. YOU PANSY!_

-

Dear Hakoro,

I have to thank you. I had Ulquiorra staring over my head as I read the mail. After the last comment, he drifted away with his Sticks-and-stones face…  
It was classic. So, thanks again…  
Of course my fighting style rocks, I'm don't go around kicking shinigami ass by luck now, do I?  
Teach you?  
Hmm…  
You strong? Because I won't go easy on you, it's not my style.  
So if you think you're good enough to last, come on then, I've been itching for a good spar. Just, umm… don't cry over any broken bones later, if you live that long…

Let's see what you turn out to be,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

* * *

-

_Dear Yami,_

You've been missing for like FOREVER. Where the hell are you?!

PS: Are you dead? o.o

-Casper C.

-

Dear Casper C.

As stated earlier, Yami is currently exiled, so we have no idea where he is. Although not having to explain every little obvious thing to him is somewhat relieving…  
All the other espada are here though, including ex-espada Neliel, who seems to smarter than Yami was, even when in her toddler mode…

Ulquiorra Schiffer

* * *

-

_Dear Halibel why are you so damn hot?! And I love your hollow mask._

Dear Tousen how much does your new glasses cost?? And where did you buy them?

Dear Grimmjow why does almost everybody stop you from releasing?

_VLS_

-

Dear VLS,

Umm… thanks?  
I'm glad you like my mask?  
Tousen-san got his glasses from somewhere in the human world, I don't know the price, but he did get a 'disabled persons' discount. He treasures them immensely, and sleeps with them on too. It's somewhat freaky…  
We stop Grimmjow from releasing because he acts like a loose cannon. He, on the other hand, believes we do that because we're scared of it.  
Oh, now that I think about it, weren't you the one who gave Lilinette the suggestion to shave Stark's goatee?  
Very commendable, we had a good laugh over that too. Though it grew back by the time he woke up…

Love,  
Halibel

* * *

Thank you everyone for your letters.

I hope you continue to write more.

As always, I hope you had fun.

Till next time, hopefully.


	4. The third batch

Right, I'm so, so very sorry. It's been ages since I last updated anything… how inexcusable of me…  
But here's the next chapter. I couldn't get a few of the letters in, I'll add them next time.

Like I said before, the delay was inexcusable on my part, but the espada have an excuse… read on and find out…

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. But I'd sell my soul for… cake… [You were expecting bleach?]

* * *

_**The third batch of letters**_

____

_UPDATE ALREADY!_

_trappedINschool_

Dear trappedINschool,

We're so sorry for the delay, we were somewhat busy in cleaning up the mess and setting up Aizen's new kingdom after we defeated soul society. Yes, you read that right. We defeated them. It took all of Aizen breathing near them and they all dropped like flies. Aizen is now God, but this knowledge as a decided fact would cause mass hysteria, so we got a scribe to write a Manga under our orders, in which the good guys win. For kicks, we named it Bleach. But you, dear fans, get the truth. And if you don't believe us, try checking your maps for any place called Karakura town… Find it?

Didn't think so… We erased all data after we made the kings key…

I hope you enjoy our new world…

"All your base are belong to us",

The Espada

____

_Dear Ulqui-chan,_

_Why is your face painted the way it is, do you always wear make-up, or were you thrown against a newly painted wall at birth?_

_Miki_

Dear Miki

My face isn't painted; it is just how it is…  
This is my form when I evolved, my rebirth, if you will. It is merely just the veneer that this form has granted me, nothing more.

I hope that answer proved satisfactory.  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Dear Halibel _

_I think you're the most powerful of the espada. You're like my role model. Also, how do get along with a bunch of immature dorks… except Szayel… Also tell all of your girls I said hi especially apache and sun-sun. _

_With love,  
L chan -_-_

Dear L-chan

Thank you, but I'm not the most powerful. I am however, touched that you consider me to be a role model.  
As for getting along with the others, you're right, they're quite immature. Try getting Grimmjow away from catnip sometime… or trying to get Ulquiorra to stop sulking...  
But what's except Szayel supposed to mean? You have no idea just how immature he can be. Why once he… *sigh* never mind… I don't want to repeat that again... ever…  
Sun-sun and Apache say 'Hi' back.

With love,  
Halibel

____

_Dear Gin-sama,_

_I hope you are feeling well in Hueco Mundo (how's the weather today? ...IF there is any weather at all...)  
Of course, I also have a question, concerning your Arrancar Encyclopedia: It seems that you have fun making it - I liked the episode with Neliel... and here my question(s): What do you think of Nel (the chibi-version)? Would you adopt her? I think she'd bring some life to Las Noches, although she shouldn't meet Nnoitora..._

_Yours sincerely,  
Fennek_

_(P.S: I think we have something in common. You are most of the times compared to a fox, and my name is the name of a desert fox...)_

Dear Fennek,

There really isn't much weather in Hueco Mundo, although we do have the occasional sandstorms.... those things are killer for the hair by the way, it's so hard to get all the sand out. It's why Zomari shaved his head…  
Chibi Neliel?  
She's cute and energetic… So sure, why not…  
Ah I should go now; the smile on my face is making everyone else here uncomfortable.  
Or maybe I'll stay, stand in a corner and watch them or something…  
That should annoy the heck out of them…  
Yeah, that sounds like fun, I'll go do that.

Yours in our slight similarity  
Ichimaru Gin

____

_To Nnoitora,  
Did you know that your outfit looks stupid? You have a giant freaking spoonhead thingy. But I like your pimpin' shoes. Where did you get those?  
To everyone else, what the heck do you do in your free time?_

_Sincerely,  
Harrharr._

_PS. Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, you sexy beasts, I want to see you fight each other._

Harrharr…

You calling me a spoon? Because if you are, I don't care who or where you are, I'm going to kill you…  
Of course I could raise my spirit power high enough and it'd kill you from the strain no matter where you are… but then again, you liked my shoes, so I think I may let it slide this once.  
Now my shoes; I made them myself.  
What? Is it really so hard to believe?  
So I like to stitch outfits. And if I hear one peep out of anyone for that, they'll have to learn to live headless from then on…  
So now you know what I do in my free time. The others?  
Starks always sleeping, the old man is brain dead, he goes around ordering people who aren't even there…  
Halibel won't even come near me, Ulquiorra stays locked up with that human chick, Grimmjow's always high on catnip or something, always in a bad mood… very irritate-able too…  
Szayel's always busy in his lab, Zommari falls asleep while pretending to be in deep meditation, I don't care what Aro-whatever did, and Yami was brought back into Las Noches and fell asleep… Hasn't woken up yet…  
Grimmjow and Ulquiorra fight each other? You call that a fight? It'd be more like a make out session with those two… I swear those two freak me out sometimes…

Nnoitora Jiruga

____

_Dear Szayel,  
I love your hair color! Is it natural, or did you dye it? Can you make a love potion? If you can, you should slip it into a certain annoying evil traitor's tea...  
Dear Stark,  
Finally, someone just as lazy as me! Do you have any good excuses for sleeping when you're supposed to be doing something else?_

_Sincerely, l1nk1n-p4rk-4-3v3r_

Dear l1nk1n-p4rk-4-3v3r,

What an interesting name you have there.  
My hair color is perfectly natural… or well, as perfectly natural as it can be after you accidentally drink an odd potion instead of tea when you'd just swallowed an odd number of tablets thinking they were sweets…  
Love potions? Who needs love potions when you look like 'moi'?  
But, yes, I do know how to make them, well, at least I did slip some into Grimmjow's tea once. But it was really weak, so he only almost kissed Ulquiorra… suffice to say, the hole in his stomach was a lot smaller before the cero…  
And Stark doesn't have time to make excuses, he's too busy sleeping.

Sincerely,  
Szayyel Apporo Grantz

____

_Dear Aizen,  
Great acting skills, dude. You've got Momo believing that Ichimaru is manipulating you (snicker). But was it annoying to keep up the nice guy act for so long?  
Dear Gin,  
Are you and Rangiku together? Because it's kind of obvious that she likes you. Or are you just *long-time friends*?  
Dear Whomever,  
So, did you guys just leave Yami's arm in the world of the living or what? I mean, it got chopped off and nobody cared._

_SeeminglyAngelic_

Dear SeeminglyAngelic,

Acting skills?  
Why thank you, but I'm really not that good an actor. I dropped out of acting school when I was human.  
But the people in soul society are just really stupid, that's why they never noticed.  
That's also partly why we left, it took Kenpachi 50 years to figure out a knock knock joke, well to laugh at in anyway, I doubt he'd ever gotten it. Biggest waste of fifty years I've ever had.  
Gin and Rangiku are just… Hmm… I never really did think about that properly. I'll go ask Gin and get back to you later.  
Oh, and everyone brought Yami's arm back. They stitched it back on…  
Then he squished the nurse…  
And we kicked him out of Las Noches…

Off to find Gin now,  
Aizen Sousuke

____

_Dear Ulquiorra-sama,  
I hope you don't mind if I join the crowd for a while and ask a few questions. I promise to to try and be short.  
Firstly, do you 'dislike' Grimmjow for something he did in the past, because of something he said or simply because he's Grimmjow? I can see you two are not on the best of terms and I was just curious to know the reason to this tension between the two of you. You don't look like the kind of man that would care what other people say or do as long as it doesn't have a direct effect on you.  
Also, if I'm not being rude, were you by any chance European when you were human? Probably German? Sie sehen wie ein aus. All due respect, but you don't really look like a Japanese person to me [few of the espada do in fact and I'm secretly believing Szayel was either French or Italian when he was alive. What's your opinion?].  
Thanks for reading and sorry if I have taken too much of your time._

_Best wishes,  
Miko-chan_

_P.S. Just so I won't forget, a friend of mine keeps bugging me now as I write that I will also ask if you and Orihime Inoue ever do something together? Like chat [aka you try and listen, she talk for hours on end] or maybe a game of chess? [... and no, I will never ask THAT you hopeless fangirl! Down girl!]_

Dear Miko-chan

There is no specific reason why I dislike Grimmjow, rather, if he would choose to work along with the rest of us, I'm sure we would have no enmity between us. But loose cannon as he is, there is only a limit to where I can stand his insubordination.  
It is nothing personal, he is just the type of person who may hinder progress, and such people should be straightened up or taken care of. However, it is not my decision to make, and Aizen-sama has been graciously generous with him.  
German? Perhaps…  
Apart from a few exceptions, we arrancar don't really recognize where we are from, or what we were in our past lives.  
However, Szayyel does claim to be French/Italian. However, he also claims to be perfect…  
So we have no idea.  
Orihime usually stays silent, and prefers to be left alone.  
She does however just start speaking sometimes, but we don't 'converse' often.  
As for chess, we played it once. I beat her in two moves, she 'rejected' the outcome, and nobody won.  
Did your friend have another question? I am a bit curious, or would it be better if I didn't know?

Thank you for writing to us,  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_To whom it may concern,  
Aizen, what is your ultimate goal and how do you plan on seeing it through to the end. You do know that if you become too bothersome, the King of Soul Society will have to step down and take care of you. And I'm pretty sure that even the weakest member of the Royal Zero Squad could take you any day. And, if the Seiretei can't deal with you, then you'll literally have both Heaven and Hell on your **. And I doubt that you and armies of hollow can take that on. Gin, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow and Stark (If he feels like it) I know you all don't see eye to eye, but if you know what's good for you, you'll round up some followers and over through Aizen ASAP!  
P.s.: Ulquiorra, what the hell is the name and form of your zanpaku'to.  
Your **,  
Grievous._

Dear Grievous,  
I assume that by 'having both heaven and hell on your **' you meant my ass?  
But then you signed off saying 'Your **, Grievous'… Does that mean you consider yourself to be my **?  
And as for the King of Soul Society; I wish merely to test my power against his. But because he is such a big coward, I have to go through the trouble of making a new King's Key. If he was brave enough to step out himself, it would have saved a lot of people a lot of hassle.  
And though we may not see eye to eye, our… partnership however, is mutually beneficial.  
Ulquiorra's zanpaku'to? Hmm I'll leave that for him to answer himself. Maybe next time.  
If you do want a clue however, the unseal command is 'bind'…

Aizen Sousuke

____

_Dear Espada,_

_Do any of you play sports? Like football, soccer or anything like that.  
_

_A very bored,  
krazypuppy8_

Dear Krazypuppy8,

Writing again, eh?  
I can never get myself to write more than a few lines, even this message is getting too long.  
My fingers are getting tired. None of us play sports, though Grimmjow does play Hide-and-wait-for-Aizen's-meeting-to-finish…

Going back to sleep,

Stark

____

_To Ulquiorra,_

_How much time do you spend putting your makeup? It seems so heavy... and brand of eyeliner do you use? I'd like to try it.  
P.S. Does Grimmjow meow?  
_

_With respect,  
Moonlightkitty_

Dear Moonlightkitty,

I do not wear make-up. As I have explained already, this is just the way I am. However, if you do want eyeliner tips, I'm sure you could ask Grimmjow about what he applies to the edges of his eyes.  
And yes, he meows, but only when he's asleep. He even purrs sometimes.

Yours sincerely,  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Dear Aizen-sama,  
Does it get annoying to have so many fangirls now that you're evil? You also look so much better without the glasses and Hinamori hanging off your arm (for lack of a better word).  
Dear Gin-san,  
Ehh...does it hurt to smile so much? And is your face in, like, a permanent smile from smiling so much? Oh, and I absolutely LOVE Shinsou! Such an awesome zanpakuto._

_Sincerely,  
Kyoyama Mana_

Dear Kyoyama Mana,

Aizen won't really admit it, but the actual reason he made the espada was to keep the fangirls away… all other forces he can handle. He even has nightmares about fangirls, and can't use the internet anymore due to some… trauma…  
I'll be sure to relay your compliments over to him though.  
Now why would I be smiling if it hurt? Well, hurt me that is… I'm usually smiling when someone else gets hurt…  
Oh but smiling is so much fun don't you know, everyone looks at you and wonders 'What the hell is he thinking'. For example, I just greeted Grimmjow, and he ran away with his tail between his legs.  
Hmm… I wonder what would happen if I pulled his tail…

Yours sincerely,  
Ichimaru Gin

____

_Dear Szayel is pink your natural hair color or did you dye it?  
Dear Noitora do you have feelings towards Nel?_

_Dear Aizen what's your favorite quote that is said by yourself?  
_

_VLS _

Nel?! *cough**cough**choke**cough* who told you?

Umm… I mean… Umm… who's been lying to you?  
There's nothing like that... absolutely nothing!

Right, skip to the next question, though he says it is, Szayyel's hair isn't pink, he dyes it every day. It's actually rainbow colored…

Aizen's favorite quote? Do words ever matter? Just cut everything in your path until there's nothing left. Geez… you expect me to quote him for you?  
Fine, here's a quote of Aizen: "Tousen get back in here and swallow it!"  
He said that last week; Tousen swears it was just some new tea that smelt revolting…

Don't go around spreading any more rumors,  
Nnoitora Jiruga

____

_Dear Aizen-bastard,_

_Why the hell do you make the espada drink that freaky tea that tastes like ** (Grimmjow and Szayel told me that)?_

_Crazylittleperson_

Dear Crazylittleperson,

Did they now?  
Then I'll be sure to go prepare something special just for the two of them…

Off to make some very special tea,  
Aizen Sousuke.

____

_Dear Grimmjow  
If I wasn't strong enough why would I consider asking you? I'm sorry but that kinda offends me. Then again I don't expect any kindness from you. All in all, of course I can fight! I've never lost a fight! Except one, no wait...I don't think it counts as a loss. I killed the weaklings afterwards so it doesn't matter right? Anyways I suggest you get some ointment for burns. I will not go easy on you, and those who play with fire get burned._

_Off to go practice  
Hakoro  
P.S.  
After getting multiple injury's to earn my 5th degree black belt crying is for pansy's... like Ulquiorra  
yeah I went there so go walk away to go cry in your emo-corner Ulquiorra!_

Dear Hakoro,

Ooh you sound strong, bring it on!  
And yes, it isn't a loss if you kill them later…  
Burn medicine? What makes you think I'll need any medicine at all?  
You should bring some for yourself.  
You don't need to bring tissues though, Ulquiorra has lots of them…

Waiting for you,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

____

_Dear Ulquiorra,_

_When you drink something, does it ever come out of your hollow hole?_

_With petty human emotions and hearts,  
Casper C._

Dear Casper C,

That is the reason why I never drink… But it's not too bad, I get spared from drinking Aizen's tea…

Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Yo, Ulqoirra!_

_I'm just writing, wondering where you got your clothes from -they're horrible by the way. My mom wore something akin to what you're wearing when she married in the 1980s. God, I'm about to puke everytime I see it. Please, can you change clothes? (My mom has absolutely destroyed that look.)Is it possible that you can wear something less mom-ish? I mean, wear human clothing?_

_  
Marianne_

Dear Marianne,

Where we got our clothes from? Tousen bought them.  
There is a lesson to be learned here; never send a blind man clothes shopping.  
Human clothes?  
Don't you need something called… money?  
Although I could just not wear some of it, like the shirt, but that makes Orihime's face go alarmingly red…

Trying to convince Aizen not to send Tousen to pick up the drycleaning,  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Dear Ulqoirra and Grimmjow...  
I've read quite an amount of Grimmjow/Ulquiorra fics (I'm a pervert and proud of it) and I'm just wondering what's your opinions of them. Do they have any roots in reality? DON'T DENY IT. Also I've noticed that that Ulquiorra tends to be the uke - your opinion of that? Personally, I just can't imagine that. But then Grimmjow is uke, and I'm really confused!_

_Please, need some explanation?_

_Sora _

Oooh, interesting… I was wondering why Ulquiorra and Grimmjow fainted in front of the monitor.  
They look so cute, Ulquiorra's lying on top of Grimmjow…  
Excuse me for a moment while I set their bodies into a more… suggestive position.  
Right okay, all done. Eww… they look like they're…  
Perfect, I can't wait for the two of them to wake up like this…  
I'm glad to hear that you read a lot, but please be careful, Fanfictions can rot your brain… Just look at Wonderwiess, the kid reads fanfictions all day. I think that's also why he drools all day.

Waiting for them to wake up so I can show them the pictures I took of them,  
Szayel Apporo Grantz.

____

_Can't believe you got beat by Ichigo! WHAHAHAHA :P  
Seriously, you must have seen it coming, ne?  
Does this mean you no longer are part of the espada?  
If so, then whahahaha to you :P  
Whahahaha -just had to add it..._

_  
__Haku_

Dear Haku,

Just who was this directed to? Plus, that's cruel… You just sent two of the espada into a corner to cry…

Another problem for me to deal with,  
Stark.

____

_To Nel_

_You're adorable! May I adopt you?_

_Kimiko_

Deah Khimko,

Are yu a Shadist?  
If sho, then yesh, yu may adopt me.

Oooh… keybored,  
Nel!

____

_Dear Ichigo,_

_Why don't you ever let your super awesome, better looking, stronger-than-you hollow self out ever? Even in really tough battles? Or at least be nicer to him. After all, he IS stuck in YOUR head. That'd make anyone crazy._

_Hichigo's way better than you,_

_BleachFan_

Dear BleachFan,

Umm… Ichigo isn't an espada…  
Ah so… Umm… I dunno…  
I do think you're right though, Hichigo would be better… Plus he could join our side…  
Ichigo's a moron.

Perhaps there should be a write to soul society,  
Halibel

____

_Dear Gin_

_How are you adjusting to Los Noches? Now that you don't have Izuru to inflict mental trauma on, things must be a little boring, huh? Got any new hobbies? Give Aizen-san my regards._

_Lurve  
Kirsty_

Dear Kristy,

I've adjusted very well thank you.  
Yes I do miss Kira every now and then, but I have a lot of people here. The entire espada is just ten different people to have fun with. You can torture Grimmjow for catnip, throw something odd in one of Szayyel's beakers when he isn't looking, tell Yammi that Nnoitora is actually a really tall elf…  
Aizen is currently hiding behind his chair because of his most recent fangirl-related nightmare, Ill convey your regards when he's back to normal.

Thank you for your concern,  
Ichimaru Gin

____

_Dear Ulquiorra,  
_

_Do you have any feelings for Orihime? I think that you two would make a great couple ^^. ~Thanks.  
_

_Kuchiki-chan13_

Dear Kuchiki-chan13,

Feelings? Any feelings I may have for her are irrelevant, I am simply doing the task I have been assigned, even if that means constantly suppressing the urge to hug her…

Please ignore the last comment…

I have to go attend to Orihime now,

Ulquiorra Schiffer.

____

_hihi^^ this is to Grimmjow,_

_hey I was just wondering a few things. Firstly, do you really get high on catnip? It makes me sneeze._

_I was wondering about your name, um I know that you aren't a one person but the one that eventually took charge do you remember where you lived before you died? And was it Germany? Or did you just pick your name?_

_Oh and one more thing. When you wash your face in the morning and brush your teeth do you brush your mask? And does water get stuck behind it? Oh could ya ask Ulquiorra if he ever has problems washing his hair with his broken helmet? (cause I just know he washes his hair obsessively like every other fairy pansy in the closet guy I know!!)_

_love,  
AsymmetricalPerfection_

Dear AsymmetricalPerfection,

Catnip? Ehehehe… who ummm… told you about that?  
And no, I do not have a problem! I can quit anytime I want to…  
And no, I don't remember anything before being an Adjucant, so I have no idea… My name's just something that came into my mind after one of my Catnip binges, and I thought it rocked…  
Germany? I have no idea…  
Wait didn't someone else ask Ulquiorra if he was German too?  
Damn… Another thing for those fangirls to write loads on…  
No! I was not German! And we never met in real life! So no writing awkward yaoi fanfictions about what our human lives would have been like!  
I don't need more nightmares…  
Brush my teeth? I don't need to, they're like sharks teeth, I grow a new set every morning…  
And no, I have no idea how Ulquiorra does his hair, I'm not interested in peeking at him while he's bathing… You can ask Orihime about that…

No Fanfictions!  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

____

_Dear Ulquiorra,  
As I understand, you are unable to understand the concept of "love". Allow me to explain.  
Love is the feeling of extreme attraction and/or affection towards someone of the opposite (or sometimes the same) Gender.  
When "FanGirls" send you those letters in capitals telling they "Love" you, it basically means they find you extremely attractive sexually._

_I hope I have cleared up your confusion,  
Rosalie_

Dear Rosalie,

Wait… That's it?  
Frankly I expected something more… I don't know…  
How depressing…

Grimmjow hid my tissues again,  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Ah...Dear Ukalealee (emocar)_

_Why don't you laugh, neh? Do I have to make Grimmy-kins dance in a hula outfit? Or do I have to make the gorgeous pinky put happy pills in your food?  
Ah, by the way... my best friend is absolutely obsessed with you. Madly in love. Google the word if you don't understand. :3  
And lastly; admit it please. You are in love with grimmy-kins and spoon-chan. So please, kiss them._

_Tesla-Verruga_

Dear Tesla-Verruga,

There is simply nothing to laugh at. And since I do not want to be mentally scarred, Grimmjow in a Hula outfit is something I'd rather not see.  
Szayel tried antidepressants… they didn't work… so he used my blood to make depressants… would you like some?  
Since I have just had love explained to me in the previous letter, and am still trying to some to terms with what it may mean…Thank… you?  
And Nnoitora and Grimmjow?!  
Are you sure you aren't high on something?

Please go seek mental help,  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

____

_Dear(est?) Grimmjow,  
I haven't got a bloody clue why I'm sending you a letter, or telling you anything I'm about to, maybe it's just talking to my favorite Kickass Espada? I dunno...  
But anyway, I'm just going to randomly tell you this; I have Grimmjow pajamas.  
Yup, you might think I'm weird, and...I am, but...that won't change the fact that I have Grimmjow pajamas.  
*ahem*  
I know that most fans/fangirls think that you LIKE cats and catnip and all that **, but do you really?  
Just wondering.  
Oh, and, do you consider fighting an "art" or just something really, really fun? (I wasn't sure which way I thought of it, so I thought I'd ask your opinion.)_

_Much admiration(and catnip if you like it after all),  
Rosalie._

Dear Rosalie,

Pajamas?  
Of me?  
Really?!  
How… How is that even possible…  
They sell that stuff?!  
How come no one ever told me!?  
Oh god this is so…  
And why must you wear me on your lower half?!  
Please tell me they don't make Grimmjow underwear… Or just tell me who makes this stuff so I can go bash their heads in…  
Eheheh… Catnip again… ah umm… what was the next question…  
Fighting as an art?  
It's just really, really, really fun…

Wait-are-you-offering-me-catnip?!  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

____

_Dear Grimmy-kins:  
I would love to know; can I rub your belly? Also...what would you do if I put a giant pink sparkly bow around your neck with a bell, and called you my "Grimmy-kins"?_

_And...*holds up kitty plushie* I found this in your room._

_:3 You may call me kitteh-kat._

Dear… umm… Kitteh-kat,

How'd you get that out of my… umm I mean… I have no idea what you're talking about…  
And what would I do if you… what?!  
I'd cut your guts to little pieces.

Don't call me Grimmy-kins,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

____

_Dear Grimmjow,_

_Do you like/love Ulquiorra or Ichigo? Or maybe secretly Aizen? Anyway you must have sex quite a lot?_

_You're the hottest anyway, love you!_

_GrimmjowIchigoforever a.k.a. BabyRain_

Dear umm… Me and Ichigo forever!? Which mental asylum did you break out of?

Love them?! I want to kill them!  
Especially Aizen, after that god awful tea he made us drink…  
Sex?  
I'm umm… too busy fighting… yeah, that's right… fighting…

I know I'm hot,  
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

____

_Hey Nnoitra,_

_I included some fresh-baked croissants in my letter. I assumed this was your  
favorite food because of your crescent obsession. Did you know that you remind  
me of someone famous? It's Mr. Ed! You guys have the exact same teeth._

_Akhal-teke_

Dear Akhal-teke,

Mmm… Croissants, just how Nel used to make them…  
Mr. Ed? Who would that be? Is he strong?

Send more Croissants!  
Nnoitora Jiruga

____

_Dear Luppi,  
I noticed no one was writing to you! Poor, unloved Luppi-kun (if you'll  
excuse the nickname)! Anyway, I just wanted to know why you wear such long  
sleeves. I have nothing against them, mind you! They look good on you but...  
don't they get in the way sometimes?  
That's all for now! Although I just wish to say that I FREAKIN' LOVE YOU! You  
are truly an adorable little bastard!_

_Pass on my regards to Gin-san!  
Cherry Blossom  
_

_P.S. This has nothing to do with anything, but does Ulquiorra even HAVE  
eyebrows?? Its been bugging me for a while now._

Dear Cherry Blossom,

Woohoo! Yay! Thank you!  
Thanks to this letter I'm alive again!  
I wear long sleeves because they look good on me, plus they move around in the breeze, it's so pretty…  
And yes, they do make using your hands somewhat hard, but who need hands when you have Tentacles!  
Muahahahahahahahaha!  
And thank you, I know I'm just irresistible…  
And Ulquiorra does not have any eyebrows. I think he saves them, but the others say that he just doesn't have any. Speaking of eyebrows, have you seen Halibel's? Now those are bushy…

I'll tell Gin over our dinner today,  
Luppi

____

_Dear Wonderwiess_

_Read any good books lately? : D_

_Lurve  
Kirsty_

fsegasdfhgadfgvccasfvasgvv

Dear Kristy.

I'm very sorry but Wonderwiess can't type yet. He just drooled over the keyboard as he banged his head on it. But he has been known to stare endlessly at fanfictions.

I have to go get a new keyboard now,  
Halibel.

____

_Dear Everyone,_

_What do you guys do to relive stress when you can't kill anything? (If there is always something to kill, then please elaborate.)  
All the best in whatever twisted plan you guys are paticipating in now.  
Dear Aizen, why do you always have that one strand of hair in front of your face? Isn't it annoying?_

_kingdom-of-flames_

Dear kingdom-of-flames,

While we can always go out and kill random hollows and stuff, it does get boring pretty fast. In these cases, most of us fall back to some hobby or another. Stark has nothing better to do so he sleeps. The old man can't stay awake for more than five minutes a day so he sleeps all the time too. Halibel teaches the female arrancars how to fight for their rights, and to stitch clothes. Ulquiorra goes to check up on Orihime… and if she's sleeping, watches her sleep like a depraved stalker. Nnoitra bakes cookies. Grimmjow has a giant ball of yarn for boring occasions. Szayyel mixes up random chemicals and makes his fraccions drink it up. Tousen bumps into walls. And the others do… well something…

That is also the reason Aizen has that strand of hair. He plays around with it when he's bored.  
Me? I sit and watch everyone, recording stuff that can be used as blackmail material later.

I can sell you videotapes,  
Ichimaru Gin

____

_Dear Ulquiorra~_

_I really hope you won't die. All the best~_

_p/s: I'm a huge Ulquihime fan~ hope you 2 end up together~ =p_

_muahs & hugs~  
KitChi~_

Dear Kitchi,

Thank you for your concern. I won't die…  
At least I hope I won't. I'm not one of those killable characters.

Right?  
Ulquiorra Schiffer

* * *

Right… thank you for writing in to the espada everyone. I hope you enjoyed it.

I'm sorry to the people who's letter were not included in this, I'll include them in the next one, I promise.

Please send more, the espada are waiting… and promise to be quicker to reply this time.

On another note… (No, not a death note…)  
Anyone want to write to soul society?


End file.
